Monday, May 30, 2011

A Million God Damn Dollars

So this guy Sal is an Atheist. Yea I know,he's a baby eating, devil worshiping, angry,god hater but let's get past that and tell the story  okay?
    Anyhoways* like I said, Sal is an Atheist, his mother is not. Instead of making you guess I will tell you Sal's mother is catholic. I wasn't present for the exact conversation so you will have to make due with what I can imagine is the way it went. Sal goes to his mothers house to check on her and listen to her nag him about finding a nice catholic girl to settle down with, he is used to her banter and they get along well enough so Sal tells her "Mom, you know I'm an Atheist so that means I have to marry a bad girl, one with a tail and a pitchfork. All the girls with pitchforks and tails are taken or locked up at the mental hospital." Sal's mother slapped him on the back of the head as she told him she didn't like that talk in her house.
  Sal's mother asked him if he was going to the church auction this Sunday. "Na, I gotta work. I need the money" He replied. Sal's mother then told him there would be lots of girls there and they were having an action and pot-luck. "No offense ma but all the girls at your church look like they should be baying instead of praying. What are they givin' away at the auction?"
    Sal's mother showed him the church flier. It read '3rd Annual Help Us Help Those Who Need Help Auction and Bake Sale' Scanning through the announcement Sal saw they were giving away a weekend at a bible camp and the runner-up got a 'lotto tree'.     "Ooooh a chance to be turned into a zombie or some sticks with lottery tickets taped to 'em. Yea I defiantly gots ta work." Sal's mother gave him a look and her hand actually twitched enough to make Sal dodge another smack to the head. His mother informed him that it was for charity and besides who knows, someone will have to win the trip and the lottery tickets could be winners too. "Ma, this is easy, here's what you do. You pray that you win the lottery tickets and then you add on that you want the lottery tickets to be worth a million bucks" Another look from his mother as she told him that was not what prayer was for, it was a sin to ask god for wealth like that. "Fine, here I'll do it for ya then." Sal clasped his hands together and looked up "“God, I don’t know if you’re real or not, but if you are there, please let my mother win a million dollars. If you do I will not only stop using your name in vain when I lose at the track I will also believe in you and never give ma a hard time about you being her invisible friend again....A-MENNNNNA! If Jesus wants me to believe in him, that’s what he’ll do”.
 Sal didn't have to look at his mother to know he had gone far enough and her hand barely missed the back of his head as he ran for the door "Love ya ma!!" Sal yelled as he made his way to safety. "Love you too" his mother murmured .
   Guess what happened? Sal's mother did win the lottery tree. When she scratched off the tickets, she won a million bucks.
I am not making up this part of the story, it is reported to have happened by several sources.Sal has now started to believe in god “I can’t shrug off that Jesus had a hand in it. No pun intended, but it was a Godsend,” he says
  Now I have some questions. Many people say they would need proof before believing in god. Is this enough proof? If it isn't then how much more would you need? Is it fair to criticize this guy for believing in god now? Is Sal just an idiot who can't figure out how math works? What would it take to convince Sal his mother was the realist when she said "someone's got to win"
    Sal's mother says “God performed two miracles, a true miracle.”  she will be receiving $50,000 every year for the next 20 years...

* credit to daniel richard paden for the word anyhoways which was used without his consent/permission....ha ha!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Atheist in the Park

  I'm reporting to you from what is supposed to be the site of the rapture, judgment day, the day jesus came to town. There isn't much fact it seems pretty much business as usual. This reporter is of the opinion that things will stay just as they are. I'm not saying everything is gumdrops and rainbows. There are still innocent children suffering from disease and abuse. The guy who volunteered at the homeless shelter, and always had a wave and a smile as he passed by had a heart attack. The drug addict who broke into your house last week, sold your shit and used the money to get  loaded, the same guy who beats his wife every Friday night....he is still walking around. Babies are being born, and a wife is being told her husband didn't make it through surgery because of complications. A group of high school kids are drinking their parents vodka and smoking a joint down at the park. A local cop has pulled over a pick-up truck because it was driving in more than one lane at a time. And you can hear the lady who lives next door moaning as her current love interest tries to stay interesting.  
  Business as usual...this is bad news for a certain group of  religious believers.
Poor Harold Camping didn't quite get the math right, not his fault really, no one could have arrived at the correct answer given the circumstances. I feel kinda bad for Harold. It's not that I wanted him to be correct about judgment day happening today but I really wish someone could or would have done something to keep him from making a fool of himself.
 I know some of you are thinking that Harold is just a con man and I will admit I had some suspicions myself. But then I thought about the hour I spent talking and listening to Mr Camping, he didn't seem like a con man.
 At the end of the interview I paused before hanging up the line and Harold could be heard saying "Well that went pretty well. They learned some things they never knew before. That's the reason they are Atheist you know" and then I hung up the line because to listen any further didn't feel right.
  Those few words don't really say all that much until you add the fact that Harold didn't know we were listening. I think he really was hoping to help us poor Atheists to see the light. And even though it wasn't quite the kind of help Harold intended to provide, I think he has done those of us who would like to see organized religion fade away a huge favor.
  From  where I sit the Atheist have come out in full force, using the claims of Family Radio as a prime example of what religion results in. Sure even a lot of religious people think that Harold is crazy because he tried to pin down May 21 as the day of judgment but is he really any more crazy than a christian who thinks no one knows the date of the rapture only that it will occur at a future date?
  Another way Harold has done some good is by causing people to stop and wonder about their own beliefs. When  someone who believes in the same basic things as you takes those beliefs and makes them appear silly it makes you feel silly too. When a christian tries to point and laugh at Harold the tip of that finger is aimed a little too close to their own face for comfort I would think.

 The catholics have mishandled the abuse by priests on a scale whos magnitude would even impress god. Scientology has turned out to be made up of con men and bullies. The muslims  keep running around yelling and blowing things up, like women and children. The christians act like lunatics and want to force their god on you whether you like it or not. People are starting to realize all these things. The Atheists? Well we get to get to sit back laughing as we watch more and more people bring their lawn chairs over to our side of the park.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Harold's Heaven

  I did an interview with Harold Camping last week. Good ol' Harold thinks the end of the world is comin up on May 21st at 6pm. You may be asking "6pm? 6pm what time zone, I need to prepare!" Well relax. First of all the time of the end is one thing god finally thought through. That's right, after all his fuck-ups like creating flies, those pull tabs that used to come on soda cans, and cancer, god finally did something with our convenience  in mind. As 6pm comes to each spot on earth then the rapture will begin. No, god's event planning isn't perfect I think he may have asked Dick Clark how they do it on New Years Eve, after all Dick is the one person who's age is closest to god. So anyhow, as 6pm comes around to each point on the planet there is going to be a huge earthquake. Now I'm not sure if there are going to be some kind of 'zones' of say 20 miles of land where a given earthquake will occur before god moves on to shake up the next group of sinners, of course, only god knows that. We should be thankful we got the time of the event, and we can all thank Harold for that....THANKS HAROLD!
 So the earthquakes travel around the world making their mark and the last people to see May 21, 6pm come along are either the luckiest people on the planet or they are screwed because they had to watch and wait for the judgment to come upon them, life is about perspectives.
  Don't hold me to the exact schedule from here on out. The whole thing revolves around math and I never liked math so there is a pretty good chance I will screw some of it up. I can tell you x = y(z) with a high degree of certainty. That show-off Harold figured out when the end of earth was coming by using a formula so complex only one person has figured it out. That's right, out of all the people who have studied the bible, out of every single person who has ever walked the earth on one man managed to figure out god's secret code.
  Harold will tell you that god wanted his message to be tough to figure out. God's love is eternal, it's all encompassing, and I guess despite what the bible says, god isn't gonna just give his love away. You need to earn god's love and figure out his riddle too unless......
  Unless god picks you. Yea god is gonna hand pick everyone who goes on what amounts to the senior class trip to heaven. The good news/bad news is no one knows if they have been picked until god makes the split-second decision (god is pretty fast according to Harold) One more thing that may piss a lot of people off is that god doesn't give a crap what kind of person you have been. God doesn't care if you love puppies or if you like to spit on babies.God doesn't care if you went to church every Sunday (more on this later) and he doesn't care if you Sunday night was comprised of a hooker, a snake, an eighth of weed, a midget and a hollowed out melon. (but the pics from that night may impress him) you are all on even ground. The righteous and the damned all have an equal chance of being picked by god for the ultimate sleep-over in heaven.
  More bad news..........there is only room for 200,000 people. I'm not sure if god, even with his amazing ability could only manage to produce 200,000 human souls worth saving or if he is limited because of travel restrictions or maybe his budget will only cover that number of people. I can certainly respect god not wanting to take me all the way to heaven only to break the news he can't afford to cover the cost of a house or apartment for me to live in. Shit, I can't get the down payment on a house on earth I don't want to imagine what one in heaven is going for. So maybe god is doing us a favor by not bringing us along. Who wants to go on a nice cruise and not have any cash for some trinkets to remember the trip by?
 I know a lot of you are probably ready to go postal over the fact you have been sitting in church every Sunday next to that smelly lady with the ugly hat who couldn't carry a tune to save her soul (heh heh) Well, there's more. You have been wasting your time for years and the church knew it. That's right, back in the 80's god declared the 'age of churches' over. It says so RIGHT IN THE BIBLE, CLEAR AS DAY. Harold told me so. The church is your 'bible professional' right? You have a guy who is a 'landscape professional' to take care of your lawn, a 'mail delivery professional' brings your mail, the church re the people who tell you all that stuff about the bible you never could figure out by yourself. I'm talking about whether you should kill people when they work on the wrong day, if you should kill those disrespectful kids, need to know if owning a slave is approved by god? Ask the church, they know stuff. This leads to the obvious conclusion.....The church knew god was done using them as his media outlet. The church belongs in the same pile of old has-been habits as my space. They knew it and yet told you to keep coming to church or you may suffer eternal hell-fire.
 And I have have one last bit of good news. There is no such thing as Hell. Yep, Harold gave me the low-down on this too. No Hell.
 That means you can go out burn down that church and take-out all those people you have been allowing to go on living because they were not worth spending an eternity in hell for, maybe a night in jail, but being burned forever?? Screw that.
 You can also brag about that hooker and the midget you hang out with on Sunday nights after all, it may be the one thing that convinces God to pick you for his gig in heaven, after all you can throw one hell of a party.
 Special thanks to Harold Camping, he saved me a shitload of work doing research for this blog.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Quote Unquote

  • I'm wondering how REALLY fat guys have sex...seems it would be impossible

  • "Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic" is one of my fav quotes

  • "My wisdom may be questionable but my attitude is a given"

  • "We all make mistakes...if you learn from them then you are all good"

  • "I am an outspoken Atheist and there is not a single son of a bitch on the planet who can stop me from being who I am."

  • "The best thing some people can do to seem smart is to shut the fuck up"

  • "I will keep trying to change the my spare time"

  • Dear god-
If you do have some creepy plan that allows innocent children to suffer, a plan that allows those who do not worship you to burn for all eternity....YOUR PLAN SUCKS!
  • "If people could do just this one thing we could save the world...... STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT!"

  • "After I'm dead cremate me and spread my ashes over a park on Labor day so I can float down on people's food and they all can eat me......."

  • "Don't fuck with me and I won't make you look"

  • "The truth only hurts if you deserve it"

  • Whenever I request someone as a friend and they ask me "How do I know you?" I always reply "We had sex under the bleachers in H.S. remember?"

  • I would like my last words to be "DAMN! That was great!"

  • is pointing and laughing at idiots.

  • "I had a dream I went to church this morning......It was horrible!"

  • Attention--- Anyone using the word(s) 'face ' or 'book' in any posts. 
Use of these words is prohibited absent express prior written consent from Facebook.

  • Got an email from a listener pointing out all the things he thinks I did wrong. He was 'disappointed' and thought I did not make my points well enough. He also had some suggestions on how he thinks I could do the show better. It ended with "keep up the good work".... WTF!?

  • "If today does not go better than yesterday did you will be hearing about me in the news......"

  • "Dear Jack in the box-Please do not allow people that cant speak clear english to work the drive thru."

  • "Jesus loves you!! Find jesus and get some imaginary love today!!"

  • "Always keep in mind..Even people you think are totally sane can turn out to be the craziest son of bitches on the planet. No matter how long you've known 'em"

  • Please do not disrespect the lord jesus christ by referring to him as "cheese and rice" My son IS NOT some sort of 'food product'..If this practice continues there be be some serious torturing of souls.
Thank You
  • GO TO HELL!!*
    *'hell' is a fictional construct which
    describes a place of eternal, conscious torment where God’s enemies are
    punished and was used to oppress people. Therefore individuals reading this comment have no basis for being angry,insulted, or dejected. This disclaimer also applies to any/all silly christians...

  • "I wish I could get in a time machine and go back 20 years to tell Vince Neil he was gonna end up bein an ice skater....ha ha ha !!!"

  • "Everything works out one, way or another, whether you like it or not."

  • "Sometimes.......I really wish my computer was a living, breathing I could kill it in the most violent and disturbing manner possible."

  • "The only reason I am a bit arrogant is because my reasoning is based on reality, yours is made up as you go along...."

  • "I pretty much have been telling everyone to fuck off don't be thinkin' you are special."

  • I'm not wearing a bra or panties today.....

  • One example of the kind of exciting life I have--- I bought a new trash can today.

  • While reading the bible, replace the word 'faith' with 'dick''re welcome.

  • "Don't allow your emotions to dictate my freedoms.....thanks"

  • Dear god, The people you picked to 'spread your message' are complete idiots. Have you been drinking?

  • The lord answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is "You know I'm a figment of your imagination, right?"

  • "It's bad luck to be superstitious"

  • "Sometimes it's almost as if I know what I'm doin'...other times....not so much"

A Harmless Question

I'm curious about how people feel about this. Don't worry, no one will be able to tell how you voted. No matter what beliefs, or lack of, you have... this question is directed at everyone.

Do you think some religious practices are harmless
No. Any type of religious practice is harmful in some way
Yes. There are some practices that are harmless (please give example in comment section)
Not all religious practices are harmful but some are
All religious practices are harmless free polls

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Across The Board Game

I know this has been talked about a little bit, seems towards the end of last year a lot of local and state governments were actually doing it.
  I am wondering why we are not even discussing it.
   Cut the budget across the board. There should be very little if anyone spared from this cut. I would like to see programs for the disabled and elderly left alone. Those people either can't do anything to help themselves or shouldn't have to, they have paid their dues.
     I don't know what percentage this cut would have to be I have heard 5% but even if it was 10% so what?
I have taken a paycut over the last 3 years that is at least equal to 10%. My company has not given a raise in pay for the last 3 years. The lowest percentage I could have received was 3% that alone comes close to 10%. If you factor no longer matching 401k contributions, and no bonuses due to the drop in business hurting our bottom line then that number goes even higher.
  Is there any one elected leader out there who has even suggested this type of plan?  Why not?
   Don't get me wrong, I think their are plenty of other things we need to take a close look at such as the taxes on the rich. I wonder when we are going to stop fucking around and allowing the Republican idiots make stupid excuses for why they don't want to tax the rich. Every time I listen to some idiot try to rationalize his stand on tax cuts for wealthy Americans  it makes me embarrassed for them and for us as a country. It's like we have lost the ability to use our voices in any type of intelligent manner. Instead we allow big mouth idiots  to distract us, we waste countless hours debating stupid suggestions made by ignorant people, and we blunder along trying to figure out how to move forward instead of backwards.
   Any moron who thinks it will be helpful to anyone if we spend more time trying to repeal health care needs to shut the hell up. To spend more time working to repeal it is foolish and then if that effort was successful what do we do? Go back to the old way? Work out and debate yet another plan? Come on, let's at least be realistic. Even if you are not happy with the plan it is something different rather than doing the same damn thing over and over. Let's see how it goes, and then get rid of what does not work, I can't believe every aspect of the health care reform bill is doomed to utter failure. Is it perfect? Probably not. Is anyone out there going to tell me we shouldn't make any changes until we have a perfect plan to put in place?
  If we make cuts to everything equally across the board  no one can complain. Everyone tightens their belt the same amount and best of all....It keeps those insane half-witted republicans from trying to cure the deficit by sacrificing the elderly and the poor to their god of the almighty dollar. I'll tell you this I'm not going to lump all republicans in a pile but the vast majority (and on some days all) of the small-minded, bigoted, self-righteous,intolerant, homophobic crap I read and hear about these days comes from the mouths of republicans. People are not going to keep putting up with it fellas, get with the times or get out of the way.