Monday, May 30, 2011

A Million God Damn Dollars

So this guy Sal is an Atheist. Yea I know,he's a baby eating, devil worshiping, angry,god hater but let's get past that and tell the story  okay?
    Anyhoways* like I said, Sal is an Atheist, his mother is not. Instead of making you guess I will tell you Sal's mother is catholic. I wasn't present for the exact conversation so you will have to make due with what I can imagine is the way it went. Sal goes to his mothers house to check on her and listen to her nag him about finding a nice catholic girl to settle down with, he is used to her banter and they get along well enough so Sal tells her "Mom, you know I'm an Atheist so that means I have to marry a bad girl, one with a tail and a pitchfork. All the girls with pitchforks and tails are taken or locked up at the mental hospital." Sal's mother slapped him on the back of the head as she told him she didn't like that talk in her house.
  Sal's mother asked him if he was going to the church auction this Sunday. "Na, I gotta work. I need the money" He replied. Sal's mother then told him there would be lots of girls there and they were having an action and pot-luck. "No offense ma but all the girls at your church look like they should be baying instead of praying. What are they givin' away at the auction?"
    Sal's mother showed him the church flier. It read '3rd Annual Help Us Help Those Who Need Help Auction and Bake Sale' Scanning through the announcement Sal saw they were giving away a weekend at a bible camp and the runner-up got a 'lotto tree'.     "Ooooh a chance to be turned into a zombie or some sticks with lottery tickets taped to 'em. Yea I defiantly gots ta work." Sal's mother gave him a look and her hand actually twitched enough to make Sal dodge another smack to the head. His mother informed him that it was for charity and besides who knows, someone will have to win the trip and the lottery tickets could be winners too. "Ma, this is easy, here's what you do. You pray that you win the lottery tickets and then you add on that you want the lottery tickets to be worth a million bucks" Another look from his mother as she told him that was not what prayer was for, it was a sin to ask god for wealth like that. "Fine, here I'll do it for ya then." Sal clasped his hands together and looked up "“God, I don’t know if you’re real or not, but if you are there, please let my mother win a million dollars. If you do I will not only stop using your name in vain when I lose at the track I will also believe in you and never give ma a hard time about you being her invisible friend again....A-MENNNNNA! If Jesus wants me to believe in him, that’s what he’ll do”.
 Sal didn't have to look at his mother to know he had gone far enough and her hand barely missed the back of his head as he ran for the door "Love ya ma!!" Sal yelled as he made his way to safety. "Love you too" his mother murmured .
   Guess what happened? Sal's mother did win the lottery tree. When she scratched off the tickets, she won a million bucks.
I am not making up this part of the story, it is reported to have happened by several sources.Sal has now started to believe in god “I can’t shrug off that Jesus had a hand in it. No pun intended, but it was a Godsend,” he says
  Now I have some questions. Many people say they would need proof before believing in god. Is this enough proof? If it isn't then how much more would you need? Is it fair to criticize this guy for believing in god now? Is Sal just an idiot who can't figure out how math works? What would it take to convince Sal his mother was the realist when she said "someone's got to win"
    Sal's mother says “God performed two miracles, a true miracle.”  she will be receiving $50,000 every year for the next 20 years...

* credit to daniel richard paden for the word anyhoways which was used without his consent/permission....ha ha!

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