Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Thanks To The Internet

      I remember before there was such a thing as the internet....back when kids played outside during summer..and fall...and winter.  . . ...and spring. I'm not going to say those were better times for a couple reasons. The first reason is because it makes me sound old, The second reason is because they weren't necessarily better, they were just different. So I grew up without the internet, using 'the long way' to do division and 'working it out on paper' whenever algebra wanted me to figure out how fast a truck was going if it traveled 13 times as fast as .36% of the speed of sound while driving in circles on a boat moving at 17 knots.
   Then came....THE INTERNET! Sure the internet was pretty weak when it first came out, but back then it was the shit. BBS or Bulletin Board Systems were the social media and it was all formed from characters and choosing Y, N or 1, 2, or 3.
   As the years have passed things have changed and as I look at the box on my desk which reads "Microsoft MS-DOS Operating System Version 4.01" I thought it would be fun to list some of the things that have been great and not so great about the internet.

    Porn- I never dreamed while I checked out the porn mags in my parents garage that one day the same kind of smut would be so widespread. Now it can be found in literally every room of the house. The Adult Bookstore down the street used to be like an Egyptian tomb only instead of clumsy drawings of cats people and bugs there were videos of women using every orifice they had to practice sex. And there were some with men doing the same thing! If you wanted to watch some woman get it on with a donkey a midget and a lava lamp (don't ask) you had to drive down to the adult book store and either rent a VHS tape at $8 a day ($10 a day if it was returned late)  drive all the way back home and watch a crappy quality tape(it probably had 5000 plays on it) and hope you didn't get herpes from touching the box. Or you could buy the tape for $296.00   These days? You can watch that shit on a laptop in the kitchen while you make hamburger helper dinner for the family !! Not that I would suggest you do so, but you could.       
Porn is everywhere on the internet and if you have half a brain you can get all the smut you want for free. you can even watch a person get naked in real time from half-way around the world!
  As for the adult book store, now they line the walls with a vast assortment of vibrators, dildos, something called a pocket pussy ( why you would keep a cat in your pocket in beyond me) and blow-up dolls. There are a few DVDs for sale in displays in the center of the store but they have been there a while. NOTE: I don't know about the bookstore from firsthand knowledge, I hardly even know where it is.

    Music- After being ripped off for years by the music industry we finally have our revenge by way of the internet. It is sad that some musicians got caught in the cross fire (not you metallica, you suck and its amazing anyone wants to listen to your music these days, even for free) They reality is, the music industry could have kept most people from stealing music if they had really been interested in what the customer wanted instead of what they wanted from the customer. They didn't so war was declared on them, they lost bad, and the musicians got caught in the cross-fire. Collateral damage...let's take a moment of silence...............ok next!

    Knowledge Base-The vast array of information available on any subject you could imagine and a billion others you never could. I'm not even kidding about this one. The knowledge available is mind-boggling. No more will people need too buy those 'World Book Encyclopedia'  sets that took up so much space it had to double as a guest bed. Now it's peck, peck, peck, click. The world at your fingertips

    Reunions-Getting in touch with old friends. It's been awesome being able to find those people you never would have seen again if it wasn't for the power of the internet. When you think about the number of marriages that have been broken up because of finding an 'old flame' it really gives you an example of the power of the net. And we never would have had the chance to meet with our old buddies for beers and adding them to facebook only to end up blocking them because they were just as annoying/stupid/crazy as ever if it were not for the good old internet.

     Email- No more writing letters. I hated writing letters, it sucked. My handwriting looks like somebody's last will and testament that they wrote 15 minutes after they died. It's bad and I have never been able to care enough to improve it. One time I wrote a letter excusing my kid from school and the cops came to my house asking why in my letter I was threatening the principal in french. Now it's peck,peck,peck,peck and click send. Now it's painfully easy to get the cops to come over and ask me questions about valid threats in emails.
    Customer Complaints- Have you ever bought a chocolate bar, opened it and found the chocolate to be covered in a white dust powder? I think that happens because the candy has sat around so long that enough dust particles have been able to penetrate the wrapper to make it a dust covered health threat. They have that number on the wrapper  to call and complain but most people don't have the balls to make that call. They have the address so you can write and complain but that means getting a reply and maybe a coupon for a free candy bar which will have arrived about 10 years after you reach retirement age.
               I bought some Oreos the other day. The quality was for shit (another blog on that coming up) so I went to the website listed on the package and let those Oreo con-artists have a piece of my mind. I got a coupon for free cookies mere weeks later. I bought a California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza from the store. It tasted like I had drawn a pizza on some old dirty, dusty cardboard put it in the microwave for 4 minutes and put it in my mouth. What did I do? I went to the website. What did I get? A free coupon for the same shitty pizza. Sure, not the best remedy but at least there was a nice letter from the company saying they would look into the concerns I had.

    Public Comment- Now everybody and their mother has a facebook page, including companies and even network news programs. The other morning on ABC overnight news one of the anchors said something that I thought was unfair and irresponsible. What did I do? I looked up the facebook page for the show, clicked 'like' and posted a sarcastic yet insightful comment about his statement. The next day he had replied to my comment. His reply was weak so I sent him a private message explaining why what he had said was unfair and explained that even though I found him entertaining I couldn't let that pass. Today a bunch of news vans parked along the freeway caused a traffic back-up. I went to the facebook page for the news program and left a thanks for nothing comment for them. Never in the history of mankind have we been able to bitch and complain directly to the source of our discontent like we can due to the internet.

    Radio Broadcasting/Podcasting & Blogging- The number of people I have reached with my big mouth and pecking fingers amazes me. Thanks to the all-knowing internet someone who wouldn't have ever known I existed before can listen to my radio show and send me an email about what they think of it. Just like the last email I got, it said- Your show is far to long Why do you have people on your show when they don't have a radio voice. I have tried to listen to your show several times but you don't stay on the subject. Can't you do a more professional show? Yep, never before could I have had the chance to entertain people like that.
      Blogging has given anyone who has a keyboard the perfect way to say any kind of crazy made-up crap they want and put it on display for the world to read and comment on. It has also given some very good writers a way of offering their articles and stories so that those who would never had the chance can read them.

And here is the list of not so good things about the internet

    SEE ABOVE & Kiddie Porn

Friday, August 26, 2011

Peter Popoff- The Profit

My newest friend Peter Popoff has sent yet another envelope. And wouldn't you know it, he wants to help me some more. I don't know why,out of all the people who really need help, Peter has latched on to me. 
  And I don't know how but Peter seems to know things about me that I was not aware of. One of which would have the effect of scaring the livin shit out of me if I was a believer. What is the one worst thing here on earth? What is it that religious people place blame on when something happens that is so terrible, so ugly, so sad and evil that god couldn't have possibly made it, done it, or supported it? That's right  SATAN! 
  I bet some of you suspected what Peter Popoff knows for a fact....SATAN is opposing me. That's right, SATAN is causing me some real demonic opposition. You naysayers can READ IT IN THE LETTER. On page one Peter lets the cat out of the bag. I almost fainted when I read it. This would explain why, when I make cookies they always burn, and why it's always so damn hot in this house! The flies I thought were getting in because I don't have a screen door? I was wrong...SATAN brought 'em.
 The mixture of relief from finally knowing the reasons all these things happen mixed with the terror of knowing that I had bought those fly strips for nothing and I dropped the letter to the floor, too weak to grasp it any longer....
   When I had recovered my strength I bent to pick up the message and saw something had come out from between the pages. It was what Peter called The Aaron's Breastplate Medallion. Luckily for me god had reminded Peter to send it. From what I understand Peter had the medallion in his office for me beforehand. The thought of Peter Popoff taking time from his busy, busy day of meeting with god and praying to pick up small gifts for me brought a little tear to my eye.
  I guess the Aaron's Medallion is pretty damn special cause Peter goes on about it for some time and includes a chart to help explain what kind of assistance I can expect from it.
  According to Peter my worries about SATAN  are for nothing. My new good friend has my back. Not only that but 12 miracles are going to happen to me in the next 4 months!
  A thought occurs to life is much more dramatic and exciting than I realized. I thought my life was pretty much normal but all kinds of strange, exciting and scary stuff is going on at my house. Thank god, or whoever Peter had brought this fact to my attention I may have slept through it all.
 Peter goes on for a few pages, and to be honest, he is kinda a buzz killer talking so much and repeating himself most of the time.

Aaron's Breastplate Medallion- Couldn't be to good at protecting from the occasional sword thrust. It is made of paper..guess that's enough to stop Satan though.
Chart that explains something....I'm not sure what but god is involved so it must be important.

Finally I reach the end where another incredible fact is presented. PETER POPOFF IS ALSO A PROPHET!! Wow could I get any more lucky in finding a friend with the endless abilities Peter has? I think not.
  My high is suddenly squashed, like a teenage pot head whose mom just took away all his chips. Peter needs $28.29 or $56.58 in order to get rid of SATAN and to get god to give me my 12 miracles. Son of a bitch! I just sent my last $3.65 to Peter so he could supernaturally remove all my debts.
 If anyone has any extra cash or change keep me in mind would you? I'm going to go hit up my neighbors for a couple bucks. I know that god's will will help me get the money so that I can send it to Peter to give to god so that that jerk SATAN will go over to my ex-girlfriend's house and I can enjoy my miracles while eating unburned cookies in a cool house with no flies. I know it will happen because I have Peter Popoff backing me up and he's a profit!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Peter Popoff- God's LoanShark

Got debts? Do you owe money to someone? Can't figure out how to out from under that mortgage payment? Would you try ANYTHING to relieve yourself from those damn bills?
 Well some people will. And other people, like Peter Popoff, will do about anything to help pay their bills too. Anything in this case includes ripping off people who can afford it the least.
  As the television murmured in the background I was working at my desk editing a podcast. Suddenly a booming voice came across the room " I HAVE BEEN ANOINTED BY GOD TO RELIEVE YOUR DEBTS SSUUPPEERRNNAATTUURRAALLYYYYYY!!!" 
  I jumped and was instantly pissed off, what the hell was that racket? Looking at the TV I watched as Peter Popoff spoke (and yelled) at a lady sitting across from him. He was telling her god wanted to release people from their debts, he knew this because god had told him. I vaguely knew of Peter Popoff. I had heard about James Randi giving him a quick hard kick in the pants on the Tonight Show. Other than that I hadn't seen anything of him, until now. 
 On the screen the shot had changed to a line of people taking turns holding a microphone. If I had to guess I would say about 90% were African Americans, the other 10% made up of various other races. 95% were women. 
  They took turns walking up and telling their story of how god had eliminated the bills which had been piling up around them. Every person who stepped up to speak had an incredible story of some kind. One lady was about to lose her home but she had got a check in the mail for exactly the amount needed to keep her home just in time to avoid foreclosure. Another had finally managed to find a job but her car had broken down. Without the car she wouldn't be able to take the job...but wait.....YES! A check had come to her also. The amount was enough to pay for the car repairs. THANK GOD!!! 
  I watched and the more I watched the more sickening the whole ordeal became. Peter would come on and stare into your eyes promising the love of god would solve your money problems. It was as if he was staring at his prom date telling her whatever was needed to get his hand up her dress.
 Quite a number of people were giving testimonials. I watched closely to see if there was any indication they were not being honest, I didn't see anything obvious, but that didn't mean a whole lot.
  This back and forth between Peter Popoff and the people who had taken god's money to pay bills went on for about 45 minutes. Occasionally a booming voice would cut in and tell you how to get your own bills paid by god.
 I figured what the hell. I was curious exactly what it was that Peter Popoff was up to. I went to the website and applied for a windfall of cash from god himself , then I made a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. I ate the sandwich while I waited for my new friend Peter to use his connections and relieve me from debt. 
  About a week and a half later I got a envelope from Peter Popoff. I scanned the contents so you can see what it contained with out being put on Peter Popoff's  mailing list. Some of the pages were too long for my scanner but you should be able to get a pretty clear picture of what is going on.-