Monday, May 16, 2011

Harold's Heaven

  I did an interview with Harold Camping last week. Good ol' Harold thinks the end of the world is comin up on May 21st at 6pm. You may be asking "6pm? 6pm what time zone, I need to prepare!" Well relax. First of all the time of the end is one thing god finally thought through. That's right, after all his fuck-ups like creating flies, those pull tabs that used to come on soda cans, and cancer, god finally did something with our convenience  in mind. As 6pm comes to each spot on earth then the rapture will begin. No, god's event planning isn't perfect I think he may have asked Dick Clark how they do it on New Years Eve, after all Dick is the one person who's age is closest to god. So anyhow, as 6pm comes around to each point on the planet there is going to be a huge earthquake. Now I'm not sure if there are going to be some kind of 'zones' of say 20 miles of land where a given earthquake will occur before god moves on to shake up the next group of sinners, of course, only god knows that. We should be thankful we got the time of the event, and we can all thank Harold for that....THANKS HAROLD!
 So the earthquakes travel around the world making their mark and the last people to see May 21, 6pm come along are either the luckiest people on the planet or they are screwed because they had to watch and wait for the judgment to come upon them, life is about perspectives.
  Don't hold me to the exact schedule from here on out. The whole thing revolves around math and I never liked math so there is a pretty good chance I will screw some of it up. I can tell you x = y(z) with a high degree of certainty. That show-off Harold figured out when the end of earth was coming by using a formula so complex only one person has figured it out. That's right, out of all the people who have studied the bible, out of every single person who has ever walked the earth on one man managed to figure out god's secret code.
  Harold will tell you that god wanted his message to be tough to figure out. God's love is eternal, it's all encompassing, and I guess despite what the bible says, god isn't gonna just give his love away. You need to earn god's love and figure out his riddle too unless......
  Unless god picks you. Yea god is gonna hand pick everyone who goes on what amounts to the senior class trip to heaven. The good news/bad news is no one knows if they have been picked until god makes the split-second decision (god is pretty fast according to Harold) One more thing that may piss a lot of people off is that god doesn't give a crap what kind of person you have been. God doesn't care if you love puppies or if you like to spit on babies.God doesn't care if you went to church every Sunday (more on this later) and he doesn't care if you Sunday night was comprised of a hooker, a snake, an eighth of weed, a midget and a hollowed out melon. (but the pics from that night may impress him) you are all on even ground. The righteous and the damned all have an equal chance of being picked by god for the ultimate sleep-over in heaven.
  More bad news..........there is only room for 200,000 people. I'm not sure if god, even with his amazing ability could only manage to produce 200,000 human souls worth saving or if he is limited because of travel restrictions or maybe his budget will only cover that number of people. I can certainly respect god not wanting to take me all the way to heaven only to break the news he can't afford to cover the cost of a house or apartment for me to live in. Shit, I can't get the down payment on a house on earth I don't want to imagine what one in heaven is going for. So maybe god is doing us a favor by not bringing us along. Who wants to go on a nice cruise and not have any cash for some trinkets to remember the trip by?
 I know a lot of you are probably ready to go postal over the fact you have been sitting in church every Sunday next to that smelly lady with the ugly hat who couldn't carry a tune to save her soul (heh heh) Well, there's more. You have been wasting your time for years and the church knew it. That's right, back in the 80's god declared the 'age of churches' over. It says so RIGHT IN THE BIBLE, CLEAR AS DAY. Harold told me so. The church is your 'bible professional' right? You have a guy who is a 'landscape professional' to take care of your lawn, a 'mail delivery professional' brings your mail, the church re the people who tell you all that stuff about the bible you never could figure out by yourself. I'm talking about whether you should kill people when they work on the wrong day, if you should kill those disrespectful kids, need to know if owning a slave is approved by god? Ask the church, they know stuff. This leads to the obvious conclusion.....The church knew god was done using them as his media outlet. The church belongs in the same pile of old has-been habits as my space. They knew it and yet told you to keep coming to church or you may suffer eternal hell-fire.
 And I have have one last bit of good news. There is no such thing as Hell. Yep, Harold gave me the low-down on this too. No Hell.
 That means you can go out burn down that church and take-out all those people you have been allowing to go on living because they were not worth spending an eternity in hell for, maybe a night in jail, but being burned forever?? Screw that.
 You can also brag about that hooker and the midget you hang out with on Sunday nights after all, it may be the one thing that convinces God to pick you for his gig in heaven, after all you can throw one hell of a party.
 Special thanks to Harold Camping, he saved me a shitload of work doing research for this blog.

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