Friday, December 16, 2011

What Did You Say?

Too much seriousness lately. I thought I'd provide you with some wit and or sarcasm. A few of these are mine and the rest I just came across at various places. I gave no credit to anyone for any of them to keep it fair.

  1. Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.
  2. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.
  3. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
  4. If you’re one in a million, there are seven thousand people exactly like you.
  5. I see you are playing stupid.! Looks like you’re winning.
  6. Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
  7. I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
  8. I don’t hate you… I just don’t appreciate your existence.
  9. My lack of attention seems to be your fault.
  10. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
  11. I still miss my ex – But my aim is getting better 
  12. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  13. Beware the fury of a patient man.
  14. Intelligence is key and you are locked out.
  15. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
  16. You’re unique just like everyone else!
  17. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  18. You’re so ugly that when you cry, the tears roll down the back of your head….just to avoid your face.
  19. People like you make me want to learn boxing
  20. Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
  21. Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
  22. I’m sorry I was talking, while you were interrupting me.
  23. Sarcasm (n.) – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it
  24. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
  25. You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.
  26. There is a strong need for a sarcasm font.
  27. No, you don’t have to repeat yourself, … I was ignoring you the first time.
  28. Your silence echos your thoughts.
  29. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
  30. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  31. I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
  32. Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice…
  33. I’m sorry, I’m a little busy. Can I ignore you later?
  34. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
  35. Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
  36. Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
  37. You can’t fix stupid.
  38. Sure, I've seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.
  39. If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.
  40. The most effective comeback to an insult is silence.
  41. Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
  42. Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
  43. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
  44. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go
  45. I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.
  46. Even rabbits insult an dead lion.
  47. You aren't a complete idiot, some pieces are missing
  48. An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
  49. There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble.
  50. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  51. An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.
  52. A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
  53. A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
  54. Instead of being born again why don't you just grow up?
  55. You're the reason we have a middle finger
  56. All the sex you've had made you an expert, now all you need is a partner
  57. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. 
  58. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. 
  59. If ignorance is bliss you must be multi-orgasmic
  60. Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around? 
  61. You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime. 
  62. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
  63. A closed mouth gathers no foot

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