Peter Popoff- The Profit

My newest friend Peter Popoff has sent yet another envelope. And wouldn't you know it, he wants to help me some more. I don't know why,out of all the people who really need help, Peter has latched on to me. 
  And I don't know how but Peter seems to know things about me that I was not aware of. One of which would have the effect of scaring the livin shit out of me if I was a believer. What is the one worst thing here on earth? What is it that religious people place blame on when something happens that is so terrible, so ugly, so sad and evil that god couldn't have possibly made it, done it, or supported it? That's right  SATAN! 
  I bet some of you suspected what Peter Popoff knows for a fact....SATAN is opposing me. That's right, SATAN is causing me some real demonic opposition. You naysayers can READ IT IN THE LETTER. On page one Peter lets the cat out of the bag. I almost fainted when I read it. This would explain why, when I make cookies they always burn, and why it's always so damn hot in this house! The flies I thought were getting in because I don't have a screen door? I was wrong...SATAN brought 'em.
 The mixture of relief from finally knowing the reasons all these things happen mixed with the terror of knowing that I had bought those fly strips for nothing and I dropped the letter to the floor, too weak to grasp it any longer....
   When I had recovered my strength I bent to pick up the message and saw something had come out from between the pages. It was what Peter called The Aaron's Breastplate Medallion. Luckily for me god had reminded Peter to send it. From what I understand Peter had the medallion in his office for me beforehand. The thought of Peter Popoff taking time from his busy, busy day of meeting with god and praying to pick up small gifts for me brought a little tear to my eye.
  I guess the Aaron's Medallion is pretty damn special cause Peter goes on about it for some time and includes a chart to help explain what kind of assistance I can expect from it.
  According to Peter my worries about SATAN  are for nothing. My new good friend has my back. Not only that but 12 miracles are going to happen to me in the next 4 months!
  A thought occurs to me...my life is much more dramatic and exciting than I realized. I thought my life was pretty much normal but all kinds of strange, exciting and scary stuff is going on at my house. Thank god, or whoever Peter had brought this fact to my attention I may have slept through it all.
 Peter goes on for a few pages, and to be honest, he is kinda a buzz killer talking so much and repeating himself most of the time.

Aaron's Breastplate Medallion- Couldn't be to good at protecting from the occasional sword thrust. It is made of paper..guess that's enough to stop Satan though.

Chart that explains something....I'm not sure what but god is involved so it must be important.

Finally I reach the end where another incredible fact is presented. PETER POPOFF IS ALSO A PROPHET!! Wow could I get any more lucky in finding a friend with the endless abilities Peter has? I think not.
  My high is suddenly squashed, like a teenage pot head whose mom just took away all his chips. Peter needs $28.29 or $56.58 in order to get rid of SATAN and to get god to give me my 12 miracles. Son of a bitch! I just sent my last $3.65 to Peter so he could supernaturally remove all my debts.
 If anyone has any extra cash or change keep me in mind would you? I'm going to go hit up my neighbors for a couple bucks. I know that god's will will help me get the money so that I can send it to Peter to give to god so that that jerk SATAN will go over to my ex-girlfriend's house and I can enjoy my miracles while eating unburned cookies in a cool house with no flies. I know it will happen because I have Peter Popoff backing me up and he's a profit!

Notice the picture of Peter Popoff praying for me ?? Yep he does that pretty often I think.. what a guy!

Here's where Peter gets to the point...show me the money!